Today my head was spinning like a whirlpool. About not being able to write a single word for about four days now. And even if there is nothing else I want more than to write – what in fact is not true, but I don’t want to confess about my secret obsessions – I simply can’t write a single line of the things a need to.
So therefore I’m thinking, I’m not a writer in fact. And yes, I am no writer – now. But I’m working my ass of to become what I always wanted to become. And because it’s so hard for me, to do what I really want to do, I started thinking about the fact, that there a not many finished stories hidden in my desk. But there is always the need to find a story to tell.
Now we are back to spinning head part of my todays mess. And while my thoughts where spinning around about my past of trying and wanting, I figured out where it stared to be a burden to want to write but never be sure. And no, you are now thinking about the rejection I mentioned in the title, you are not right – but not wrong either.
It was told to be gifted with language, writing and acting when I was younger. When I grew older and became a bit of rebel, reading Nietzsche at the age of 14, desperately lost in music and films and books and poetry, I was told to not fit in any concept of appropriate behaviour for the school I attended. I was told not to fit in anywhere and that in fact, I am nothing. My parents, I love them…but, never understood my kind of interests. And I wanted to give them a reason to be proud of me, like there where of my much more older brother. So I took a turn in the wrong direction. At the moment I figured out to take a different turn, I was thrown out of anything. So, I sticked to my last turn – because you have to finish, what you have started. I regret to have sticked to. But without it, would not be where I am. Letting loose the feeling of missing about 10 years in my live, but being wise enough and having the strength to move forward now.
Sooo…now I’m far away from the point I wanted to nail. There is a long way that kept me from doing what I really want. I kept myself away from the grateful feeling to do what I want to, because I was listening to everybody else. Because I always took the easier way out. Stayed in my comfortable zone because nobody believed in me. But wait – I had to believe in me. And in fact, I rejected myself all the time.
So now I’m there. I’m writing. I’m looking forward to my first screenwriters contract. And I’m afraid. I start to reject myself everyday again and again. But there is someone believing in me. In my creative soul, that had to hide away from my everyday live. And so I slightly start to believe in myself.
Rejection is part of the game, but never reject yourself. There a man other out there doing it for you. But if you don’t give in, it maybe feels the first time right to believe in success and not to put failure as an option.
Nobody knows if I will make it, but the first time in my life I’m confident about myself. And I’m sure this will act out in my work too.